Imagine…. this…. or the mimicry of dominance

Once upon a time there were those who chose to lead and those who chose to follow. Those that followed began to slowly forget to think for themselves and in that way they gave their power away to those who chose to lead.

How can we think for ourselves, without the freedom of expression and the experience of learning from our mistakes, the confidence of seeing how our plans are put into action successfully, or ending up as beneficial after making mistakes and choosing adjustments?

Those who chose to lead, noticed that those who followed began to stop thinking for themselves and so… those who felt flattered by the idea of being leaders, felt inclined to think for the followers, more and more.

And this is how it happened that those who were leading, grew accustomed to their role of being in charge, by seeing the effect of control they had over others. That’s also how religion turned into man made institutes warning the “sinners” to repent, declaring that human beings are born as sinners. With a saviour ready to step in. “Repent oh children…..or else!”

We all say that power corrupts, it’s a truth as ancient as planet Earth. But do we take notice of how that works out in our daily reality? I wonder how we grow accustomed to the blind spots in our life. The place where sudden change reveals them, triggers them into our awareness.

The effect and result of giving away our power, is that we begin to stop thinking for ourselves and lose the ability to self-reflect and pay attention to our inner life, the stirrings of our inner shadow and the cover up of our light, by that same ignorance.

We’re gradually weaned off of our sovereignty and that’s exactly what’s intended too, so that those who are leading will find their role secured and the addiction to power as well, although it’s experienced as a right and privilege, as long as conscience is in a state of deep-freeze in absence of empathy. Power corrupts and dumbs down from within as well.

Imagine… this:

The gradual change in our education system has led to a programming of students, trained to live up to collecting material gain, a consumptive lifestyle and an achievement of results born in fierce competition, a picking order as well.

By many people, all circumstances are projected externally, it’s literally about the tricks of the trade, the rattling of sabres in power-games, with a conviction that all misery is caused by external forces and that someone deserves punishment.

Without the presence of an inner stance, obtained by a learning curve and experiences that are based on proper education, learning about ethics, moral standards, freedom of choice, a freedom to try things out and experience how trial and error show up, how it feels like and what it is that can be learned from it, changed for the better or brought to a stop, when it’s evident that a new choice needs to be made. A fresh start so to speak, in order to reach an end result that is envisioned, on one’s own or in a group. A change of plan often requires courage, vulnerability. Saying “I’m puzzled”

Which is fully outside the agenda of taking linear steps toward an end-result: “First do this, than do that and this is the end-result” like a formulae applied in the practice of chemistry in a lab. That rational and linear approach prevents a learning curve that includes emotions and feelings, trial and error. Contrary to the laws of nature. It also prevents the development of emotional maturity, the ability to practice self-reflection and contemplation, sorting out one’s priorities from within.

Nowadays, it’s as if school children and students are baked like donuts, all similar in size and taste, rolling out of school and university, one size fits all and don’t expect to think for yourself, don’t try to bring up an original thought or inquiry.

Just be the donut that is right on the right spot and don’t try to turn into a tea-cake! Trying to be who you’re not, that’s what it means to follow a leader blindly, isn’t it? Like a life in a hive, or like cyborgs. It’s in politics and employment, in the army and in professional sport, in high levels of the entertainment industry, the exploitation of Hollywood celebrities.

Whored out and thrown away like empty shells. Where large amounts of money are involved and practices that are kept highly secret. In the dark. The object is the means to financial success and when that object is a human being, its value as a human being is possibly number 10 on the list. Or entirely absent. When the toy is broken, it gets destroyed, done away with.

Imagine… this:

That those who lead, create a continuous stream of issues that distract human beings from looking within. By the growth of consumerism, be it food, drink, drugs, television entertainment, social media, short term satisfaction, creating a want of more of the same and more varieties of the same. Instantly and immediate.

Those that follow blindly behave like cattle that needs to be fed hay every day. Those that don’t follow blindly and begin to ask questions, which is the natural state of children usually, are told how to think, how to feel and how to behave, with a long list of taboos:

1.Don’t mention ghosts or out of body experiences or intuitive knowing.

2. Don’t mention death, illness, discomfort, sadness and depression,     risking exclusion from the circle of peers, the pretenders who are keeping up appearances, following the program of those that lead.

3. Don’t try to do things different, for it doesn’t pay well and it injures your     reputation of being a loyal follower, with a hive mind, fitting in and welcomed by those who only “get” you when you’re one of them.

4. Don’t try to improve yourself or outgrow the circle where you’re part of, either in a family you grow up with or as member of a team at work.

5. ………fill in this point for yourself, using your own imagination please.

The one thing that shows up as example of control and a method to prevent initiative in followers, the freedom to think for oneself, is the creation of external forces, sensations and imprints, keeping the attention of those who follow.

All eyes are fixed on…. a constant flow of distraction, away from awareness of an inner world and the effect of external impact on it, losing the choice to shape that world, educate and develop that world from within. Creation.

                                              Showing your true colours

Imagine… this:

How the story of climate change, formerly called “global warming” is created with the intention to distract our attention from our inner environment, our loyalty to independent thinking and discernment, our inhibition of feelings, fearful attention and caution not to be guilty of not living up to expectations of peers, who control our use of plastic and our breathing out of CO2, causing damage to the environment we live in.

It’s total nonsense, poppycock. It’s clever disguised mind-control using sentiments to lure people into submission, following a program that serves only corporations’ expansion so that abuse of planet Earth’s resources continues.

If we don’t wake up, with awareness of our purpose, our motives and drives, we’re likely trampling along like elephants in a Chinese shop. Through city-roads with billboards showing the instructions for the day’s work and the desired results. Animal farm, written by Aldus Huxley.

We’re told that by breathing out carbon dioxide we’re causing damage to our environment, so that we’re the cause of climate change and that we’re held responsible for change, living in fear for losing our footing during an increase of earthquakes and solar events growing increasingly intense due to a change in Earth’s atmosphere and the nature of radiation directed to planet Earth.

We’re often so in denial of our own nature, ignoring planet Earth’s beautiful nature and its nurturing on all levels, physically and spiritually, that we’re collectively plundering  Earth’s resources, causing havoc to large parts of Earth’s landscape and habitats, our own living environment, with a view that is utterly shortsighted, selfish and immature. But hey, look a bit deeper. Think for a moment. Who’s really exploiting? Who’s interested in Earth’s resources? Who’s taking the profit? You? Who’s allowing this to happen?

Where on planet Earth is austerity not on the political agenda, creating an almost permanent survival mode? Does your government represent your interests and values? Is co-operation present in politics and communities aiming for the greater good? Isn’t it time that we begin to think for ourselves and ask ourselves if we’re willing to accept that corporations rule our world and rule politicians and scientists, determining our level of public media, school-education, healthcare and personal well-being?

Where are our own resources, our skills and natural talents, expressed in freedom? Are we harvested like wheat on the fields, first sprayed with Round Up, so that preservation secures the mining of our talents and skills, our gullibility toward higher powers where those are present who are supposed to know better, how to serve humanity, but who are utterly caught in the claws of abomination and corruption?

Here’s what I mean by the mimicry of dominance. By telling us that we’re the ones who are responsible and therefore should be held accountable…. for ruining Earth’s environment, made guilty for the fact that we’re breathing out? Please find the fairy tale in what we’re being told and made to believe. Check out this series of videos:

Please dare to step out of line and show non-violent civil disobedience, while informing yourself and ponder the content of this site

Start looking at the programs that hold us captive, realising that the way climate change is presented to us is partly also a program, an orchestration of keeping us within the shackles of dependency and slavery, in fear of doing harm and being sinful.

Believing in the benefit of following leaders who only appear to be genuine and well meaning, blaming the decline of Earth’s health on us, bleating followers of what’s told to us, so that we grow dependent on those who seemingly “know better” but who only pretend to know best what’s good for us.

Who are they, who are in truth trying to make us followers, to keep us from leading ourselves, to keep us from being a light unto ourselves, coaxing us into submission to their program, their agenda 21 or any number of agendas, while pretending that it’s normal that we live in a state of guilt, as born criminals? Sinners by nature?

Does that ring a bell, does the mimicry of dominance remind you of the Wizard of Oz? Creating mesmerising holograms and visual effects behind his curtains? Will we be fooled by a hologram displaying an alien attack and make all men run to the battlefield? Please, start thinking for yourself, find out what’s behind the veils that keeps us blindfolded and shackled. Don’t forget to notice the effects of a rectangular blue screen.


How do you want to see your kids growing up?

I believe that when our inner environment is clear and vibrant, shaped to our liking in sync with self-respect and autonomous, that this is the foundation and soil on which we’re able to welcome truth as a friend and to start building changes for the better and grow up in our society in a healthy prosperous way, organising our lives without paying respect to the Wizards of Oz, who desperately try to remain present in our lives, knowing that they’re on the losing side. Life is taking measures to end injustice, abuse of power. True and lasting change happens when you know how to save yourself from yourself. Discerning the dictation of the mind and the voice of our soul hidden behind it?

I believe that when our internal environment is sorted, our shadow acknowledged and embraced in the presence of affinity for ourselves in our hearts, our light uncovered by removing the raggedy shadows in that way, that our planetary environment will begin to reflect human collective consciousness that is shaped by our individual inner stance.

We will experience again that we are planet Earth and she is us as well. She’s the nurturing force bringing our physical bodies into existence, also our ancestors, offering us firm ground to stand on, with the individual lessons in need to be learned.

We will restore, we will have restored our power to be the change we want to see in our world. In the company of wisdom, so that what’s achieved is realistic. That will bring us to actions that include creativity and innovation, regeneration of our human nature and the confidence by experience, that we can bring change when we feel the urge in our toes. Physical and spiritual exercise is the best remedy to prevent depression and avoid identification with feelings of despair, presented by the windmills of our mind.

With the freedom of expression that allows us to choose each moment anew. That’s how the power behind creation loves to see us, I believe, we ourselves as the creators of our reality, bringing power-games to an end and a new beginning of living in harmony. A life in freedom of expression, authentic and purposeful, however simple in structure, that’s what love is about too. This I believe.




How so…ascension…. how about it?

There seems to be a huge amount of confusion and interpretations of what ascension is. Online and in all sorts of books and teachings that are related to spiritual development. There’s no mystery and hocus pocus to it at all, as I perceive it, no privileged condition or status is required. Just live it, guided by gut feelings, heart and a clear mind, with self-reflection as companion. The observer. It’s a process of change, a shift that some of us experience or expect to happen at a given time.

Due to so many of us living in survival mode, triggered into anxiety by the imminence and image of dying in fear, some of us believe that physical death is the end. After that no life is present. Some of us believe that ascension is a result reached after death, or that it’s similar to Jesus’ ascension, rising upwards through the clouds, to his father in Heaven, returning home.

To Biblical folks who take things literally, it’s as if one can only ascend aka enter heaven in that way. I believe there’s a heaven (it’s a verb to me) a state of being that is a becoming at the same time, which can be brought down to earth, largely present in the realm of our consciousness. An experience of a reality that is at peace with itself in all aspects.

With one’s intention and attention, bringing one’s Heaven into one’s reality, which holds transformation and transition in its folds. This I believe. First there’s vision, at times dressed in despair and longing, followed by a mock up, a clear statement accompanied by intention, bringing it into manifestation. Unconscious drives and motives play a role as well. They will show up when one pays attention, accepting the adage “Know thyself”.

What the ancient cultures, who were able to hold on to their ancestors’ knowledge or memories of the source of their existence, mean by ascension, is the process of awakening to, or remembering of who one truly is.

When I’ve got access to deeper levels within, it touches sleeping abilities and freedom of choice, to make use of them. Which offers clarity of purpose and reason for being in existence. Alive with access to one’s talents and abilities and other aspects yet unknown to me. An awakening.

Which is, I think, similar to the removal of the veil (in a symbolic way). The veil disintegrates as it were, no one takes it from us, it is our own doing, which implies autonomy and integrity. That may be experienced by some of us as a dawning and by others as the twilight zone. With either a sense of relief and liberation or a shivering in eerie feelings of fear and suspicion in doom and gloom mode. But in the end our fear for the unknown will fade away, for we will KNOW. Ask and you shall be given.

The idea that we, the people, are offered a choice in this, is programmed out of those that join a dogmatic religion, with church-fathers who ordained that God’s the boss. He knows what’s best for his followers. I think we’ve arrived at crossroads, where we can reclaim our sovereignty, we’re free to choose heaven or hell in our reality. Once we’re able to acknowledge that we reap what we sow. Short term and long term harvest.

Isn’t it true that in this world of today, only those who present themselves as our saviours win most of our votes? Votes offered by those who have closed their conscience, their sense of autonomy, numbed by a loss of hope and trust? Utterly bored in an anemic state, out of touch with the joy for being alive, including blood, sweat and tears?

That’s why the old game of warfare is popular and the offering of “bread and games” to the population, in the Roman Empire. In order to prevent a revolution, allow the discontent and anger of the people in the streets to find a channel, in an exposure to violence and blood-lusting in the arena. That arena is present all around is, nowadays, anno 2019.

As a childminder I’ve seen babies, eager to join their mother in watching that screen, just for the need to connect. Only, what it creates is an addiction to that screen, it becomes a substitute for an emotional umbilical cord with the mother. The consciousness behind AI loves seeing this, feeding on it. For it longs to gather the sheep in its virtual stable, showing up as a Jesus figure, a Saviour. Saving us from ourselves, our misery, or so it seems. One day we wake up and watch in terror, realising that we’ve sold our human nature to AI. If we don’t pay attention and prevent jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

Divide and conquer is the name of another game, related to the former bread and games in the global arena. It’s very successful, in warfare and also in the virtual world, television, billboards, on stage, which is our present day “bread and games” with limitless access to violence in movies on Netflix, in gaming, in encoded messages of pop-stars and famous bands, the free floating rude comments and rants in social media, plus the fake news, the faked images due to photo-shop and mirages of all sorts. Lullabies for the senses. Live life to the fullest and life will serve you, fulfilling your heart’s desire, or if you will, the completion of your soul-purpose, which cures all heartaches. Freedom of expression knows no slavery, nor does it accept dependency as a means to achieve it. The essence of sovereignty.

This I believe.

My autobiography and vision


Who am I? Gosh, it’s still dawning in my life, when I try to answer that question. I’m a creative woman in many aspects of my life, a holistic nutritionist/health-coach, a nanny, a storyteller, a gardener, a spinner of wool and words, making felt and clothes.

I see myself happily picking grains as a free range chicken, after retirement, in sync with my move to Britain, choosing much “me-time” in this year 2018. I’ve left Holland in 2015.

I’m a bit of a nomad, a proper Jan. 1st Capricorn. I can enjoy solitude much. Now, anno 2019, I’m slightly returning to my hippy years in looks and outfit, in sync with my nomadic existence at present. Things that spark my impatience is impulsive actions driven by instinct, ignorance of inner motive and drive, in daily affairs with oneself and others. I know myself as someone that is fast in energy, mind and body, though calmness seems to be present as well. I’m called contained, at one.

My impatience was sparked much since I arrived in Britain, for many of the rural folk I live with, often are clueless about discernment between instinctual drive and a conscious choice. The entitlement that is causing disruption in society, creating a sense of separation, based on selfishness is strong, at times. Ignorance of poverty as well, for it makes one feel uncomfortable. Entitlement is fuelled by the frustration of feeling powerless, to me, it’s a psychological reaction to feeling hurt and helpless. Compensation for living in austerity. Some of us perceive fate is an abstract concept, outside of our capacities and power, something that is defining one’s living conditions. Fiddlesticks!

To me, the whole British system, in a fast downward mode, showing up now, anno 2019, holds itself in a negative balance, government and population. Based on injustice, corruption and hatred fuelled by inhibition and bullying, in education and on the work-floor. To me, a class system is still ruling British society, holding different groups in deep freeze mode almost, for a change for the better, stepping higher on the ladder, that’s met with frowning and accusations of being arrogant, perceiving oneself as superior.

That same class system, which stems from Britain’s wealthy glory of past centuries, is utterly ill at ease, while thrown in the chaos of change right now. Leaving the EU in October 31st, 2019. Is this a reality-check? A re-evaluation of Britain’s wayfaring and an awakening to a whole new orchestration of its society and the sound of a new tune?

Another thing that sparks my impatience, is sitting on one’s hand doing nothing, waiting until it gets better. Naturally, I’m the preacher of values that I myself should take at heart first, before telling others….  or else. Ahem.

My private orange crate in the public oratory, visited by Mother Superior at times, is stored away more often, now that I realize better what the roots are of my heroism and loud shouts in the cloud. Which, to be honest, is a crying out, similar to Roger Daltrey’s famous words in the opera Tommy: “See me, feel me, touch me, heal me….”            

                      Acknowledgment, a looking for the affinity with myself in the heart.


My rebellious jester-role and Mother Superior stance, that I’ve come to know and understand better, is an echo of an old repertoire fading away to the background, where it belongs.

Isn’t it cosmic humor, that I was born in a minister’s family of 11, as the oldest daughter? Telling my younger siblings what to do, at times quite bossy, merged with a strong sense of duty, helping my mother with many domestic chores, telling myself “When nobody can do it, I can do it”, which was a deep commitment in my youth.

I’ve come to perceive that commitment as a program, a need to fit in and to be accepted by doing good. Which is slowly falling apart with the years. We can all “do it” I’m not taking the hot chestnuts out of the fire for others anymore. That’s a Dutch expression, which means: doing the “homework” for others while they can learn to grow out of habits that don’t serve them and others by making new choices.

The urge to do good and create harmony was strong in me from a very young age and my intuitive strength and strong physical constitution are good companions to this day.    I usually found myself on the sunny side of the road. I was than and am to this day very creative in finding ways to charge my batteries and enjoy initiatives that are “my own”. I’ve worked as a self-employed woman most of my working years, beyond my 40th year.

Growing up in a home with 11 people makes it hard to find your “own space”. We shared bedrooms always, with 4 and later with 2. Later I learned more about “owning space” in another way. Where do I begin and where do others, where do I end and where do others? My curiosity urged me to explore nooks and crannies of life where my mother didn’t want me to go. “Just do what others tell you to do and all will be fine” she advised me when I was rebellious and asked her a thousand questions.

Well, this was to the convenience of others, of course, not mine necessarily. Our family was a role model for all members of the church and I didn’t fit in with my rebellious nature and my truth-seeking. Who was I, before I forgot who I am? Finding out by being alive and kicking.

I thrive in conflict, I grew up in conflict, I can handle it….” that’s all taken for what it’s worth, sincerely, but there’s also a place within us where we can choose to step out of that imprint, be it chosen and accepted as one’s path in life as well.

Speaking from experience, there’s not so much need for change in the external world, when stepping out of that imprint, it’s rather a shift in attitude, an acknowledging of one’s true being, one’s sovereignty, that brings peace.

The world, showing up to our eyes, in that new attitude aka vibration, is a new Earth, when we choose life in physicality and support the process of this shifting around us,     in others, on planet Earth, which I choose right now. And witch I do 🙂

The result of that shift is that it shifts the world around oneself in a way that the contract is over and done with. It dissolves without DOING something about it. It may take time to dissolve it, old habits die hard. Once the observer is present, choice sits next to it.   Conflict can be present and intense, all around. In all sorts of dramatic expressions. Only, there’s no resonance.

I’ve worked for many years as a childminder. Allowing a child the freedom to try out and learn by experience is an essential part of growing up, I believe. I’m a born optimist, creative on all levels, never giving up! Many steps I’ve made on my path in life and the journey isn’t over! I’m enjoying the fun more now and show up for myself too, as friend.

Always I’m a work in progress, just like all of us are. At least I prefer to go through life seeing it in this way. Though achieving a goal or destiny is less important than enjoying the ride, if you know what I mean. I’m in this world, with all rainbow colors of my human nature, but I’m not of this world. I choose to occupy myself with things that can be changed. Also on the invisible plane, like my attitude and self-made mind-programs.

Stories of the moon, earth and sun illustrations Marian 1999 (11)

And….. what’s my vision?                                                                                                              To me, it’s in the fulfillment of my dream, my heart’s desires and my soul’s purpose. Although I’m not trying to find it with my mind, thinking-wise, but more in stumbling upon surprises, as in finding little precious stones on a sandy beach. Or surprise meetings with strangers, an encounter with nature that holds a message for me. At times, it’s a bird’s song, a red robin watching my digging in the soil, or words that are coming out of my mouth without knowing what they’ll be. The source of these words is inside, where I know.

With time as a friend and holding those around me in good companionship, I’m striving to be a good steward, a way-shower, in service to the evolution of life, to love and human consciousness, learning how peace and harmony can be established for all living beings. Including spiritual growth, which is never ending as I perceive it. To each his own 😉

To me, the cure for complacency and remedy to assist growing pains to be tolerable is to willingly jump into action and live up to my abilities to heal and to make whole what is broken or fragmented within. And to enjoy my daily life activities, plus the dawning of awareness and joyful presence, in my inner and outward space.

To me, it’s not about quantity and forceful attempts to bend life to my liking, or to keep people in the room with me, for my sake or theirs. Resonance is key to me and it’s becoming more clear with whom I can spend time with. I’m not acting on politeness and living up to other people’s expectations. Not anymore. I’ve got a good dog nose these days, for agendas. It’s a most pleasurable time, spent in good companionship, with a sense of equality and natural presence both, in freedom of expression. 

These days, for some of us, the physical 3D presence on planet Earth may be perceived as a challenge to the extreme. I’ve had my share of challenges and triggers. It’s the eyes and ears of our inner truthful observer that can open themselves, first with the intention to learn discernment, the tricks of one’s own trade and the emotional charge, attached to it.

And secondly, after being truthful to oneself, to use these eyes and ears, to become the compass, while sailing and braving the waves on our life’s ocean. We’re the captain on that ship, exploring the vast ocean of our eternal life-cycle. With an open and perceptive eye, directed inward and outward both,  tribulations become way-showers, if you will. A pearl is the result of an oyster’s ability to come to terms with a gritty intruder.

If it’s in resonance with my lifestyle and my taste, I make waves and in all navigation in life, see to it that my ship is safe. Otherwise, I’m wasting my time, emptying the hull of my vessel. In other words, I take care of my physical body, the Earthbound temple of my spirit being. So that clarity of mind, heart and body assists me on my path and in my awakening toward living my true nature as best as I can. “Be a Light unto yourself” is an advise given by Krishnamurti, who lived true to his freedom of dependency, while studying the nature of the mind. I like it, for its simplicity and integrity.

This is what I suggest, speaking from experience in my own life. As soon as you find yourself bored and feeling negative about your life, shake yourself loose from your routine, in work – and daily life chores. Step out of your comfort chair, leave your comfort zone with positive determination to take care of your life by means of rejuvenation and change and choose new experiences that offer you new angles to look at the world, within and without.

This can be as simple as starting a hobby, like physical activity in team-sport, or walking alone in nature. It can be helpful to start gardening, grow your own vegetables and fruit. Also a weekend of me-time, alone, treating yourself with love and kindness, gentleness, can be helpful and healing. A larger and more dramatic step is going on a journey to unknown places and meeting strangers, joining a silence retreat or taking part in an expedition, climbing mountains, or exploring caves and canyons. Achievements like these build confidence and self-esteem.

Come to terms with whatever is knocking on the door of your conscience, in the company of your inner voice that may be noticed only when the noise of life in the streets and the omnipresent media-distraction, are kept at a distance, in moments of quiet contemplation.

Meditation is a term much colored by opinions and sentiments. Any given moment where you find yourself aware and conscious of body, mind and feelings, choosing to be present with this state of being, is, in essence, a practice of meditation. One can practice it in any given circumstance in life. Be it in the metro at rush hour or while sitting on a bench in a beautiful garden in springtime.

I think it’s fair to say that the term “mindfulness” that is becoming popular these days, is another way of describing meditation when it’s about being aware of where and who one is, present to one’s own inner eyes, observed.

What’s known and held in the heart is so delicate that it’s often expressed in silence. Only a heart that resonates with the rhythm of love’s drum in another heart, can hear its voice.

First walk to the moors 05-2017 (1)

Freedom of choice and expression

Stories of the moon, earth and sun illustrations Marian 1999 (11)
Transformation is in the eye of the beholder

One of the great mysteries I found in my life, which holds much humour too, is the discovery that before I’m able to love unconditionally, I need to move through my own shadows in a way that I acknowledge the truth of where I find myself in, the truth of it, wholeheartedly. And in my case I had to welcome vulnerability too, for my role as a teenager was to be the strong oldest daughter in a strict Calvinistic minister’s family of 11. Feeling vulnerable opened the door to connecting with those around me as a human being on a horizontal plane, a welcome equaliser that began to restore my peace of mind magically.

Only when I am fully present in where I am, I’m able to leave the place where I am present and move on, entering a new place (metaphorically speaking). In other words, when I’m in resentment, I need to accept that truth, that state of being and all that it holds in its folds. Sort of chew on it and digest it, even appreciate it as an attachment, a creation of myself, that takes time to let go. All this, but not by thinking too much, more like feeling my way through it in the daily practice of life in all sorts of conditions and circumstances.

That’s what is, to me, also freedom of expression, see what I mean? It isn’t always about joy, laughter and jubilant hallelujah and hunky dory, it’s also about tears welcoming truth as a friend in the exploring of my shadows and seeing them for what they are, how they’ve manifested themselves. I believe we’re offered support when we dare to ask.

Forgiveness toward the shadow parts of me is the portal to the affinity within my  heart for myself. Which is equal to being in trust and at peace with what is, allowing my roots to grow and find nutrition in that quality of soil, the compost containing all that I’ve experienced, past and present.

Fallen leaves turning all shades of pink, brown and still a bit of green, the cycle of a tree’s life, nutrition for next spring’s budding of new leaves

From that foundation, unconditional love for another living being is possible, I believe. Plus a strong sense of choice, the freedom to choose a new decision, a new point of view, a new creation in essence. Emotions are also creations of the mind that evokes them by thinking. There’s much routine-like motion in that realm and to me, although I am a creature of habit in certain ways, being stuck in that sort of routine is the death of inspiration and the birth of boredom and depression.

As I’m experiencing, exploring these realms of my consciousness is a natural process, a continuing unfolding that can’t be controlled by my thinking mind in survival mode.        I prefer to see my whole being, blood, sweat and tears plus laughter, as the props on the stage of (my) life. All that is suppressed in the game of blame, guilt and shame (by myself) forms the shackles that hold my freedom of expression imprisoned.

To me, feeling abandoned is often the abandonment of oneself, deep down in the crevices of the unconscious, where a blindfold ensures living one’s life in a lie building sandcastles, chasing rainbows. That’s appropriate in fairy tales and imagination is a great tool, essential for manifestation of dreams coming true. Due to the nature of this predicament, no other person can save another or offer solutions to another person, in that realm. The changer and the changed are both the same person, if you get my drift.

It seems that one has no choice other than to be the soil, the seed, the growth, the water, the gardener and the fruit, all in one go, in order to learn and move in love and life, fulfilling one’s dream, one’s purpose in life, if you will. The company of others who are in the same boat with me, but rowing with their own peddles on life’s ocean, is a support and inspiration to freely shine my sparkle and share it with kindred spirits who shine theirs. Working together in that way, creating a life worth living, I’m sure it can be done.

I’m working on it right now, though it’s not in blood, sweat and tears anymore. To me, the magic of life right now is in the being and not in the doing. A doing that is a forceful pushing and toiling, a reaching of material gain in competition with others, geared like in the survival of the fittest. To me, that is coming to an end, just like this journal of mine, today the 28th of July 2018.

Blessed be, Marian.

Change is in the air, springtime 2018!

Stories of the moon, earth and sun illustrations Marian 1999 (6)

Febr. 14 2018 Change is “on air” is it not?

Make it your choice to live through the changes and move with them, like the practice of tai chi, using the energy to your advantage without a need to win or lose and take practical, emotional and mental steps. Exercises for strength, similar to condition-training for the body. Healthy self-discipline stems from honoring one’s well-being and not a form of punishment, a judgmental attitude toward one’s attitude and behavior.  Compassion and creativity are the fertilizers for growing on all levels, harvesting beautiful fruit.

Fruity bike

Once a choice is made, by yourself, coming back to it is key, contemplating the daily life reality in sync with that choice, or if there’s a need for adjustment or a new choice. The good thing about choices is that each moment a new choice can be made when the old one doesn’t work. It’s a great way of knowing oneself, for motive and drive reveal themselves in that contemplation, as I experience in my own life.

It’s far easier to be responsible for yourself when you make everything you do a choice. Yours. You will be surprised how much change for the better shows up in your life, that way. That’s what I call an inner pole-shift. From submission to self-empowerment in manifestation. We will all look in wonder at what’s ahead of us when we accept life as a gift and celebration. For what we visualize and envision will show up as our reality, in the company of our attention. Be it for better or for worse.               

Choose for yourself, don’t you think? Someone else can’t do it for you. Unless you lose your sovereignty. Examples of that state of being are numerous in our present time. We need to wean ourselves off that old paradigm of ruling power and money, the greediness in consumer-lifestyle. There’s much more to life than what meets the eye. Planet Earth has moved into another realm already, happy to see us following her in her wise moves. Changes may cause anxiety, but let it not determine your choice. No acting on impulse.

Artistic aqua Marian

In the context of a transition to a new reality, a new way of living if you will, the freedom of choice and respect for the free will is possible when moral standards and ethics are serving life and well-being of all. FREE will is what one could take literally as FREEDOM of expression and not a boundless selfish lifestyle. As I perceive it, the latter is an expression of imprisonment by one’s own addiction or system that overrules one’s individual sovereignty.


Hating the devil is serving the devil, for hatred feeds on hatred. It knows no other way. When God and the Devil are viewed as beings separate from us, human beings, we’re using them as a projection screen and blame them for all the suffering in our lives. That’s the essence of giving your power away and it’s a mind-program created by religious church institutes of all shades between black and white, enforcing submission to God or the Devil.

For some people, the roles of God and Devil have switched and not always intentionally. Many lives are lived in self-hatred due to misunderstanding, confusion, fatigue and loneliness. That’s not our fate or destiny and certainly, nothing of the future is written in stone. No authority outside of us can and has the right to prescribe the path to our destiny, for we’re meant to choose that from within as human beings, each in its unique expression, authentic.

Dragon-fish fire-water element

Acknowledging the godlike and devilish sides within ourselves creates a rift through that mind-programming and in that process we arrive at the door of choice. In freedom, after experiencing a long long time living in duality consciousness, labeling. Separation. It’s this… or that. What if it’s both? When we can finally stand it to acknowledge both sides of one hand, we fall through the bottom, witnessing the illusion of it all.

Inclusiveness as respect for all expressions of life and compassion isn’t the same as condoning actions and results of free will expressions. Nor is it helpful to judge oneself for the wrongdoing in our lives. Once we’ve found the ability to observe ourselves and come to know ourselves more and once we’ve welcomed truth as a friend, in our lives, we’re re-educating ourselves and move toward the graduation of humanity, removing the veil. Those qualities are an important part of finding discernment, realizing love.


Blessed be…

Devon in snow, our bird watching through the kitchen door.

March 2nd 2018 by Marian van der Veen. 


Just when I write the title of this journal, the first notes of Nessun Dorma begin to fill the next room and now reach my ears, while sitting on a chair in front of the kitchen door.

“Ma il mio mistero è chiuso in me …..   Il nome mio nessun saprà!”

Here I am, Friday March 2nd 2018, with the cats at my feet, wide awake, looking at the birds feeding in the garden. It’s a proper theater, now that there’s 5 inches of snow in the garden and many species of birds, eager to eat at the bird-feeders and picking grains on the snow under them.

Twinkle and Tiggy, boy and girl

I see an expressive white, grey and black little bird with a long tail, running over the snow without visible legs and its head and beak going back and forth when walking, which is called “beach-walker” in Holland. Is it called beach-comber, in the UK?

I see a bird of the size of a blackbird, with a brown back and top of the head, and a pattern of specks going from below the eyes to its breast, in dark brown and beige.      The wings are in dark brown and beige stripes and the legs are bright orange with black nails. I believe that bird has a beautiful voice.

That bird, unknown by name to me, dares to come close to the kitchen door, for the meal-worms which I threw on the porch just outside the door, after clearing it a little from snow, so that the bird-food would be visible and easy to pick. Little did I know of the ice-crust on the snow, created last night, holding the bird-food.

Never did I think of the cats, sitting behind the kitchen door, looking through their cat-portal-window, with pricked ears, suddenly crouching and every now and then, preparing for… the catch…? Almost. The 3 cats, living with me, are all 15 years old and only today I watch them in a state of excitement, with their predator instinct awake.  

The birds are too quick and alert. Before the cat is through the cat-portal they’re gone, fortunately. This afternoon, when I pulled on my wellies at the front door, to make a brave walk to a road-stall with eggs and marmalade, I heard a bump against the window of the front door. A little bird lay on the snow, breathing fast, hiding its head in its feathers, hopefully recovering from a slight concussion. Five minutes later it was gone and I felt relieved.

Returning from a successful quest for eggs, after about 30 minutes, walking down the driveway to the porch, laughing while trying to step in my own footsteps… oh la la, the little bird was lying in one of them! I placed the eggs on the snow and took the poor creature in my gloved hands, holding it for a while, warming it.

The little bird began to move in my hand and I decided to place it in the pot with the palm, after I removed the snow from the soil. I walked inside, shook the snow of my wellies and took a sample from my tuns with sheep-wool and brought it to the bird,       so that it could sit on it and recover in warmth, hopefully.

Here’s where I found the sparrow.

I placed a little heap of grains next to it and left it to itself. After a while, I walked to the front door, to check on the bird. It had flown down to the ground and sat there, quietly.   I had to let it go, whatever its fate and a few minutes later it was flat on its side.

I walked to it and took it in my hands, the body was still soft and I blew my breath over it, while taking it inside. I had a tiny hope that it could come to its senses, but no, it had gone. Its eyes were open, but lifeless. Now, it’s on my table in the sitting room. I’m keen on keeping the door shut.

As soon as the soil is visible and soft, I’ll bury the little bird in the garden. I think it’s a sparrow, there’s a beautiful bronze colored sheen on its wings. And when I took it in my hands, tiny snow crystals were covering its beautiful wings, like little jewels. Now, the little bird can fly as high as it wants.

The later bird-watching is a great comfort and joy, there are a few unknown species, visiting the bird-feeders. Oh, there’s a bird, the size of a starling, with a speckled breast in brown and white, an orange-red streak on its sides and a light brown back. The face is funny, a proper mask with striking white lines above and dark brown lines below its eyes.

At this moment, Twinkle and Tiggy are both sitting at my feet (see picture above). I see them from the back, looking intently at the birds. Silent and patient. Their heads move simultaneously, following the movements of the birds outside, it’s very funny to watch them. How focused they can be! As if there’s a thread moving from their eyes to the observed object.

Jessy, sister of Tiggy, is watching Twinkle and Tiggy.

Also, when I’m in the kitchen, moving around, I can feel their eyes on me, when it’s near feeding time. Those looks can be very intense, at times. Even uncomfortable. When that’s the case, I break the spell by singing to them, or stroking them for a moment.

I assume their manners are grown from habit, in the 15 years of their long cat life and due to my experience with cats, for many years of my life, I’m aware of the fact that the feline nature is a predator one. They’re simply true to their nature, they don’t know of another way of being.

By now, it is 17:53 pm and dusk enters the garden. When I look outside, there’s a single red robin, hopping below the bird-feeders. The many blue tits, black caps and sparrows have gone to their night-shelters, I suppose. The black bird couples have gone too.   

I think I’ve come to the end of my winter- journal. Oh, a second red robin is taking its chances! Clever birds!  That’s it for now, thank you for reading this journal and be well!

The moment you look away she’ll throw the snowball!







Women who run with wolves…. the wildish nature

Woman with wolf           Marian


Page 360 Women who run with wolves by Clarissa P. Estes.

“So what is the point of this reclamation and focus, this calling back of what has been lost, this running with the wolves? It is to go for the jugular, to get right down to the seed and to the bones of everything and anything in your life, because that’s where your pleasure is, that’s where your joy is, that’s where a woman’s Eden lies, that place where there is time and freedom to be, wander, wonder, write, sing, create, and not be afraid.

When wolves perceive pleasure or danger, they at first become utterly still. They become like statues, utterly focused so they can see, so they can hear, so they can sense what is there, sense what is there in its most elemental form.

This is what the wildish nature offers us: the ability to see what is before us through focusing through stopping and looking and smelling and listening and feeling and tasting. Focusing is the use of all of our senses, including intuition.

It is into this world that women come, in order to claim their own voices, their own values, their imaginations, their clairvoyance, their clear seeing, their stories, and the ancient memories of women. And these are the work of focus and creation.

If you’ve lost focus, just sit down and be still. Take the idea and rock it to and fro, keep some of it and throw some of it away and it will renew itself. You need do no more”

Merlin initiation
The great Merlin

Triskelion van Jen Delyth